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The Aftermath of depression

- An honest conversation about depression and what happens after it... Trigger warning

Everyone talks about depression.

How people get it and how to overcome it. But no one ever talks about what happens at the end. What happens when you jump over the hurdle? The bridge you thought you would never be able to cross. As someone who had depression, I can tell you all about it.

Depression is like a tumour.

Depression is like a tumour. Without being treated, it will only grow, until it consumes you. Once you 'get over your depression, well at least the worst of it. People who suffered from depression can easily fall back into bad habits that came with their depression. Although you can get over it you can still experience it in small tides that can dampen your whole day. Depression is cancerous. You can survive cancer and beat the battle but there is still that chance of it coming back again, same with depression.

You have to win the war.

The beginning

As someone who had depression/ became prone to it, many people believe that depression can only be classified as such when being diagnosed by a professional. This cannot be anything more than untrue, if you a continuously having suicidal thoughts, losing the appetite to live and removing yourself further and further away from reality then chances are you have depression.

Early signs of depression

  • Lack of personal hygiene. No longer putting much effort into your appearance, when sinking further and further into depression can lead to ignoring basic hygiene such as showering and going to the bathroom.

  • Loss of interest in hobbies. Your hobbies no longer bring you joy or fuel the passion that once sparkled inside of you, of course, this can be just a natural loss of interest in a particular hobby but when you add this to all the other signs it can be a dead giveaway.

  • Self Starvation. These were one of the things I noticed I used to do when becoming depressed and while being depressed. The whole process of depression in my eyes is a form of self-preservation from the lack of motivation, will to live and dark thoughts. In my eyes when being depressed you sort of want yourself to rot, when you can't bring yourself to do the act of ending your own life, you just give up in other ways.

  • Not cleaning your environment.

  • Binge eating.

  • Self-deprecating jokes that go too far.

  • Self-harming

  • Not leaving your room, intolerant of the outside world. Always having your blinds shut, not allowing light to come in.

There is a bucket load more signs when someone is becoming depressed. But I feel these are the most obvious ones.

The middle.

I call this part the tug of war. The tug of war between wanting to get better and wanting things to remain the same. When getting to this stage you begin to find the root of where these dark and life-threatening thoughts are coming from and the reason why they are there. I was having these thoughts due to a build-up of self-doubt, negativity, body dysmorphia and not having a stable support system to confide in, neither friends nor family. I was roughly 13/15 years old when I started having depressive thoughts and episodes.

Let me tell you body dysmorphia is real, occasionally I look at old photos of myself, my face, and my body (I spent a lot of time working out, dedicated but for the wrong purpose) and I recalled the names I used to call myself, I won't repeat them here simply because I don't want to. But now looking at those photos through a new lens; I don't understand what I saw. I regret voicing these thoughts to people that I had around me at the time but the people that were around were the only people I really had. Except for the internet, which was more helpful, if you're someone with depression this method can sometimes make matters worse.

When you're constantly voicing negativity about yourself you are confirming the thought that you kept in your head that the view and image of yourself are REAL. Also when you have the wrong people around you they can honestly join in with the negativity. cesspool of self-hate. Some people will be rude just for the sake of being rude, to express how they view themselves on the inside.

It's sad but it's the world we live in.

It's honestly laughable how much I used to hate myself, I will never go back to those old ways again.

Being in the middle is tough, you're battling both sides of the field. You may be talking to a school counsellor, watching youtube videos, reading self-help blogs, and books trying to do small things like tidying your room and stepping outside your front door.

I used to write on my bedroom wall in hopes of getting help, getting the support that I deserved and needed. None of my calls was answered so I had to pick up the phone myself.

But it's a journey.

When I was at this stage I would have positive motivational thoughts and then I would get back to square one wishing my life away, being resentful and waking myself up to the toxicity that I imposed on myself and what others imposed on me. I did a lot of dissociating from reality by reading books and listening to music. For people who are in the middle, you can do it! You can make it through :)

It's natural not to think happy pretty positive thoughts 24/7 but you need balance. It's hard to balance out something so extreme wanting to be alive and wanting to end it.

Spring cleaning.

Clean out all the people who make you feel like shit. Some people will just have to go, this is purely dependent on context. I wouldn't recommend cutting everyone out of your life, that would be rather stupid. But be picky when it comes to your mental health and who you allow into your sphere. Once I found the root of all my problems and thought about the people who were in my life, the people who were just taking and only returning negativity 95% of the time. I realised that they needed to go, I simply stopped putting as much effort in as I used to and it worked out best in the end.

I had people who I thought were my 'friends' who would make jokes about how I look so depressed and how depressed I am, even random people in between lessons. It's pretty fucked up if you ask me, these are the same people who would cry at your funeral or share quotes about how there is a big mental health crisis.

I noticed that once I let go of particular people in my life, my life started to improve gradually. I cleaned out my negative thoughts even though I still get them, which as I said earlier is normal. I stopped telling myself I couldn't wear certain clothes because of my body type, I pushed myself to go outside and cut out the idea that I was simply 'too ugly' to be outside.

Baby steps.

The beginning of the end.

Once you've got to this stage, you've started to accept who you are, you've reconciled with your hurt, and your pain and have begun to look towards the future. You have either reconnected or discovered new hobbies or interests. You genuinely want to be alive, want to live your life it's a refreshing feeling. To finally release all those toxic thoughts that were poisoning your mind, body and soul.

Like fuck yes I can wear that swimsuit, buy that dress and wear it without beating up on myself. A rude/passive-aggressive comment from someone no longer shatters your self-esteem. You won't become completely immune but you will feel free, I don't think that darkness ever lives after depression, I think it stays with you but not in a big way.

Like a postcard or a trinket from a tourist shop. And it says...

"I was here, I was in this dark place, I'll remember it and I'll never go back again"

Thanks for reading ;). Check out my other uploads and socials, I post mini vlogs on TikTok.

Things to read

HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE YOU KNOW WHO HAS DEPRESSION ( or who you suspect may be depressed) -


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